I went into hospital for a stem cell transplant. At the time I was fit, active, and feeling well day to day. But about six days after my stem cell transplant I developed Legionella sepsis. I became critically ill very quickly and spent weeks in intensive care on life support, fighting for my life. Although I survived, the sepsis caused devastating long-term damage to my body. I was left with severe muscle loss, badly reduced lung and kidney function, overwhelming fatigue, memory problems, and severe anxiety. My life is now far more limited than it was before, and I have had to completely adjust the way I live day to day.
Most of my time in ICU I was in an induced coma, so all I remember is the dreams I had. However, when they were waking me up and I started coming round, one of the nurses sat with me quietly during the night when I was frightened and confused. She held my hand, spoke calmly to me, and made me feel safe at a time when I genuinely thought I might not survive. I will never forget that kindness.
When I was coming round from the sedation, I was completely convinced that the ICU staff were secretly filming a reality TV show around my bed. At the time it felt absolutely real, and looking back now it makes me laugh.
I still remember waking up to the constant beeping of the machines and the strange comfort of hearing staff talking quietly during the night. I also remember how amazing a tiny ice chip tasted after being so thirsty for so long.
I met some incredible nurses and doctors who seemed calm no matter how chaotic things were. I remember one nurse in particular who worked nights and somehow always knew when I was scared, even before I said anything.
I don't think people realise how exhausting it is mentally to fight to stay alive. Even after I survived, there was this huge emotional shock of understanding just how close I came to dying.
I rarely talk about the fear and confusion of waking up attached to machines and not fully understanding what had happened to me. The brain fog, panic, and helplessness were terrifying.
What shocked me most was how much damage the sepsis had done, even though I had gone into hospital so healthy and strong. I never imagined that my lungs, kidneys, and muscles could lose so much function so quickly, or that recovery would take so long. I remember being asked if I knew my own name, and my disbelief that they could think I didn't. I remember trying to turn over in bed and again my disbelief that I was too weak even to roll over. All so surreal.
My husband's support got me through the darkest times. There were days when I felt completely defeated, and he kept encouraging me to keep going, one small step at a time.
There were moments in those first few days when I woke up where time didn't feel real at all. I was being told that the Queen had died and that we had a new Prime Minister. I was so confused I thought they thought I was someone important. Sometimes I would lie awake listening to the machines and watching the staff move around, wondering if I would ever get back to my old life again.
The experience changed me completely. Before all this happened I was independent, active, and full of energy. Now I live with severe anxiety and have to carefully manage every bit of physical and mental energy I have. There is also a sense of grief for the life and freedom I had before I became ill. I am lucky to be alive. The after-effects have been horrendous, but I am still enjoying family and friends. Count my blessings and keep on keeping on.